I have not really read my Bible since starting this. So I have not really moved toward the hoped for ending yet.
I did read one thing though...Matthew 17...Jesus tells Peter to go catch a fish and take a coin from the fish's mouth to pay the temple tax. It gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe He would do a miracle for me.
Today, I received info about a job out west. It would mean that I am away from my wife for at least 2 months. I don't know what to do. That is actually why I am writing now. I couldn't sleep. This is something that I wanted to pray about tonight but that has not happened yet and I am starting to get tired. I will pray though. I have to.
There are so many things going on right now and I don't know what to do about very many of them. I have a matter of days to hear God speak to me about moving out west. I just don't know what to do about my wife and the kids.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
life outside of God
I also during this time was laid off from my job and started a partnership with someone who is not serving the Lord. I had two children and became indebted to several banks. I started to drink alcohol occasionally and I started to look at pornography - which didn't make my wife that happy. I was honest to her about everything but that did not make things any better. I stopped seeking the Lord and was disobedient about the things that I felt He was telling me to either do or not do. So now I am at the bottom or close to the bottom as far as my spiritual health is concerned and I am going keep a record of how things change or stay the same in my life.
The past few years
I have been going to a denominational church. It is a first time for me. What I mean is that my adult church going experience has been in churches without a denominational heirarchy and political system. It has been very enlightening to me to see how much of the world's governing systems have influenced the church that is supposed to be founded on Jesus Christ. Sorry... I got sidetracked a little.
What I wanted to highlight was the fact that, while there, I received almost no personal input. I was merely a number in a pew. I was preached to but not encouraged equipped or strengthened. I feel as though I was actually weakened. That is not entirely the churches fault I realise that. I am responsible for my own actions.
What I did not appreciate about that experience, was that the Pastor watched me go backwards in my involvment and passion for God and did not talk to me about it. He had, prior to this moral erosion in my life, spoken to me about how he saw passion in me for the Lord. He would ask me to pray during the services. He asked me to lead the young adults group. I was still in decision about that when things changed. Something happened between my wife and the pastor and his wife. She felt like she had a word from the Lord about them and when she gave it to the they rejected it and us. That rejection whether perceived or real was that they no longer invited us to their home. They would not speak to us during the fellowship time before and after the services. I was not asked to pray in church anymore.
These may not seem like that big of an issue. They are not that significant as far as my own faith is concerned. What they indicated to me were the lack of personal contact and influence by the leaders of organised churches- or at least this one- in the lives of the attendees. This may suit many people who do not want to grow in the Lord or who do not want to become open or transparent about their walk with God. I want someone to help me. I want to change from the dead person that I am right now.
A little over three weeks ago i went to meet with the pastor of the church that I had attended when I was involved in the youth group. I told the pastor that I wanted to be accountable to someone. I wanted to grow. He told me that everyone needed a father. He said that God has been showing him that as Christians we need someone to input into our lives and someone with whom we can have an input. He said that my dissatisfaction with my situation was probably because I did not have that. He said that recently he had prayed that God would bring people back to his church who were to be involved in what God was starting to do.
I felt like that was what I wanted to do so for the past three weeks I have been going to a Tuesday night men's discipleship meeting. I feel it is quite basic but I really have been enjoying the interaction with other Christian men.
What I wanted to highlight was the fact that, while there, I received almost no personal input. I was merely a number in a pew. I was preached to but not encouraged equipped or strengthened. I feel as though I was actually weakened. That is not entirely the churches fault I realise that. I am responsible for my own actions.
What I did not appreciate about that experience, was that the Pastor watched me go backwards in my involvment and passion for God and did not talk to me about it. He had, prior to this moral erosion in my life, spoken to me about how he saw passion in me for the Lord. He would ask me to pray during the services. He asked me to lead the young adults group. I was still in decision about that when things changed. Something happened between my wife and the pastor and his wife. She felt like she had a word from the Lord about them and when she gave it to the they rejected it and us. That rejection whether perceived or real was that they no longer invited us to their home. They would not speak to us during the fellowship time before and after the services. I was not asked to pray in church anymore.
These may not seem like that big of an issue. They are not that significant as far as my own faith is concerned. What they indicated to me were the lack of personal contact and influence by the leaders of organised churches- or at least this one- in the lives of the attendees. This may suit many people who do not want to grow in the Lord or who do not want to become open or transparent about their walk with God. I want someone to help me. I want to change from the dead person that I am right now.
A little over three weeks ago i went to meet with the pastor of the church that I had attended when I was involved in the youth group. I told the pastor that I wanted to be accountable to someone. I wanted to grow. He told me that everyone needed a father. He said that God has been showing him that as Christians we need someone to input into our lives and someone with whom we can have an input. He said that my dissatisfaction with my situation was probably because I did not have that. He said that recently he had prayed that God would bring people back to his church who were to be involved in what God was starting to do.
I felt like that was what I wanted to do so for the past three weeks I have been going to a Tuesday night men's discipleship meeting. I feel it is quite basic but I really have been enjoying the interaction with other Christian men.
who am I
Introduction: I am a Christian. I was raised by Christian parents. I went to a Christian school. I went to a youth group that was passionate about seeking God. I wanted to serve the Lord and see Him do all the things that I read about in my Bible. I graduated from high school and moved away from home. I did not know how to seek the Lord for myself. I did things that I said that I would never do. I returned home. I went to Bible school. I met a girl. I married her. I started to work. All the things I dreamed about doing for God are now by the wayside. I have two children. I am in debt. I am shortsighted- even to blindness.(IIPet.1:9) I don't see how it is possible for God to get me out of this situation. I don't even know exactly what I want to do for God.
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